do you think that's it. Just lying?
Well it's like. Being a better person is kind of like. I think you're always growing as a person. Harder to say... Yeah. But I think I'm like more proud of who I am. Now. And like. But like. I think that I'm. I get. I feel like I see myself grow and I'm proud like of it, cause if it's in a positive direction obviously... But then it's like always out of negative situations. So it's like... Yeah. And then it becomes a pattern. And I'm like. I'm not like addicted but like. You know. I'm addicted... Well. Lowkey to bad situations because then it's like... I'll grow out of them. It's kind of like when we fight. We always get closer. We do always get closer. And to me. It's like oh but it's not really a problem if we like... It's kind of like... each time-- Sometimes we just bicker though. I know but like when we get into like big fights. Yeah. Then it like cuts deeper, deeper, deeper. And it's like that's... It draws you close together but probably not in the right way. Yeah. But like... Not in a healthy way? It gets you to the finish line. Of. Closeness. But... Okay. Do I think we're the same people. You and Me? Not fundamentally the same people. But the people we once were. Oh we already went over this. I know. Sometimes things just happen naturally. No. No. No. Do you have any regrets? Oh, I have plently of regrets. I have plently of regrets as well. I have quite a few. But. I think there's always a learning curve to it though. There is a learning curve. It's also like. It's a weird time to meet someone... and meet someone who... A lot of people at our age can be dispensiable. And are disposable. Like and that's just the truth. That's just the way it is. And it's not a bad thing. But it is like-- Yeah my roomate Nina right now. Am I going to be friends with her if I transfer? Like maybe I'll talk to her occasionally. And I think I will be friends with Anneliese. But it's not like. Even then. I'm probably not going to be friends with her lifelong. Like. But it's weird to meet someone that you feel so sure of that will be in your life life. For your whole life and so young. Cause then... You will fuck up. Because you're 18 years old. And then you're worried. And you get like. Cause then it feels like it matters so much. You know... So I have a lot of regrets. Not to go into them right now... But. Mostly lying. A lot of things could have been avoided if I'd just told the truth. But I was just scared. Yeah. But you're 5'1... what can you do to me? That's not true. I'm 5'2 now. Oh! You grew! I grew an inch. Did you do some Yoga! I've been doing a lot of Yoga actually. You know it makes you grow! That's awesome! I'm a yogi now. Nice. I. I. Have yoga on Monday and Wednesdays and then I did some yoga with Mia while I was staing at her place. Wait. Where does Mia live? She used to live in LA but her parents moved to Portland. Oh okay. Yeah. They're following her. I think they were but I think she has a really good relationship with them that I think is. Fine and Natural. Yeah. Okay. ... Um... this one's kind of bad. Cause I'm a simp... I'm kidding. Do you want me to read it aloud? I don't want to read it but I should. Well-- I don't think I was the best person to you. Well-- I don't think we were the best persons to each other. At times... Yeah. But I do think that I do love you and I did love you. Yeah. That's probably why. Yeah. At least I think. I know where it comes from-- You could always ju--- Yeah. Like I could always rationalize it by like in my head saying that you did because you love me. In that like or that like that's all you've ever known or that's all or no one's ever taught you otherwise. And so, I thought that it was my responsibility to. To. Take that. And show you how to do it otherwise. Er like. How to treat people. Differently. And I like was fine being the. One to take it. If you became a better person for it. And I. I still stand by that. Yeah. I just don't like the phrase take it. I. I don't know what's better... What else can I say. Yeah. To. To go with you through it. That's true. Just because... I don't know... I also asked myself that... Like I was scared a lot too. I don't know why. But fear from where or why. I think I ask a question about fear somewhere. Okay. We'll wait for that then. I guess it's just cause. I like to see the best in people. And like I fuck up. So you fuck up. And then sometimes I'm like it would be unfair if I didn't let you treat me this way, when you let me treat you badly too. But like. It's like a. You Know. Yeah. Yeah. And just cause it's. It sounds bad. But I didn't really care. I guess it's high highs and low lows. Oh it's the next question. I know it just aligned. Do I think I loved you out of fear? No. I felt like sometimes you did. No... I never loved you out of fear. Or abandonment. Mmmmm... Yes... Mmm. that's hard. Like maybe... sometimes... but... not like... maybe only at the beginning. Like. Yes maybe that first time when you broke up with me. Because that scared me cause like abandonment... I guess... and then like when... when... when... you know... then we like... kind of togetherish... whatever... for however long... I was like okay. Now. I don't want to lose it again. But. I never loved you because of that. Did I hold on a little too tight because of that... Maybe... But it was never like that I... Like... I would never have been scared if I didn't love you first. You know? Yea. Cause then there would be nothing to fear to lose. Yeah. But. And the general fear. I don't know. I think that comes from the perfectionism thing. Just like I don't want to fuck up. And it's just like since there is an idea of a future in my mind. Then it's like even scarier to lose all that. Knowing that I could do something. And that it seems so innocent or so silly or so like you know it doesn't matter. And then it could like fuck everything up. It's scary. Yea. Cause. I can be like a little unpredictable to my ownself even. And then I'm like why did I do that. So... Sometimes I feel like I don't have control over myself. So then I'm like scared. Or that you'll hate me or something. I won't hate you. Well... Whatever. I won't hate you. I think you... I don't even know if you know that now. Maybe... not... I don't think you hate me currently. I don't think I've ever hated you. Well... I haven't. It's not an I think. I haven't. Okay. What went wrong. What went wrong! Well... What went wrong! The slow demise. Um... I think a lot of things went wrong. Tbh everything... I'm kidding. But. I think a lot of things also went really right. Yeah. Just like. What went wrong. Liike. We went to different places. We. Are. We have similar values when we're together but our values when seperate are too different. That it's too hard to. You know. I think. I think. I don't think it was our actions really that went wrong. But really it was the way that we were raised very very very differently. And like we place importance on a lot of different things and we like... this is going to sound cringe but like... we love in different ways. Wide Angle! Okay. What's the next. Where's the phone. I got it. Do you think we're too hard on ourselves? Like on ourselves as a unit? As a unit. ...No... But. Like it's hard because sometimes when I think about it I'm like this is literally just like. It's just like two people. What's the big deal. You know. But. I think. That we're not too hard on ourselves because it's a lot more than what it looks like... I. That was like the vaguest thing I've ever said. But like. But. No. because. When it matters so much. Then. It makes sense that we both care. Yeah. I think we're both very hardworking people and I think we both tough. Not toughing it out but like. I think with a relationship like ours. You have to be very hardworking people to make it work. Yeah. But as is any relationship. Mmm. Yeah. But some matter more. Some you just wanna work harder for... Um. Do you think you're scared of the future? Um. No. I'm not. I'm Yas! No. Because I remember feeling when I left Portland the time, the first time. The first time I left Portland. It was bad. It was not good. It was no bueno. But. I felt very confident that like things... (it's so windy)I felt confident that things would you know... I didn't feel scared because I felt like. You know I cared about you and that like when we met. I think one of the reasons we got along so well so fast was because we both will fight for a relationship. Like if it matters you're not gonna give up. And I'm not gonna give up. And so like If you know that I'm not gonna give up then like you'll match that energy... So I wasn't worried. And I'm not scared now. Because we're on the same page and it feels good. I'm only scared when we're not on the same page. Yeah. I gotta start. No. I think it's okay if we're this close to each other... actually for continutity we should do it just in case... Brash Coffee. Do you want like your whole head? Yeah. Yeah. So. I'm scared this fucked up my pants. It's okay. So. How would you describe us? I think that's a loaded question. As you've said. But. I think there are lots of ways that I could describe us. I think. I think fundamentally we're very different people. But. I think somehow. We align. Yeah. And I don't get it. No. It actually makes-- I don't get it! It really doesn't make any sense. It's not like our views are very different about life but I think the way we handle-- So. Everything. And the way we interact with the world that is very different. In like very single way. Yeah. But. I dont know. I think if anything. I've learned a lot from you. And I think I've learned a lot from our relationship. That I don't think I've ever learned that in any other situation that I've been in. And I don't. I don't. Obviously you learn a lot about people and how you should treat people in relationships when you're with someone. But I don't think I've learned as much as I have with anyone else. Yeah. I would agree. For the better or the worst. For both. Yeah. For better and the worst. Yeah. But I think I've grown a lot as a person while we've been together. Especially, these last few months. I think that I've learned a lot more about myself and how i should treat others. When you weren't with me. I don't think I treat people the best. I think you treat your friends well. I think I treat my friends really well. But. I don't think I treat my romantic parnters very well. And I don't know what-- You just have high expectations. But I think now. I have less expectations. That's good. Which is good. I think in order to make whatever work you shouldn't really have high expectations. But. I think for you. I don't know. Finish your statement. I don't know. ... Um. What was I saying? I don't know... I think I used to expect a lot from you Payton. And I think I'm at a point in my life where I can start doing that less and I'm more independant. That's good. It's just you. It's just your life in the end. It is my life in the end but. I feel like when I think about my life. I oftentimes think about where you fit in it. Well. Yeah. It's just like... second... you know... it's just... it's just... mmm. Yeah. You know. I wish I didn't. I was thinking. You know. I've kind of forgotten that it's my own life. You know. Yeah. And not like-- Yeah and I think this semester has really helped. And not both of ours. Like. It's like. Oh. You know. It's still like me. In my body. Like actually. When I went to therapy one time. No. It's not bad. It's not bad. My therapist was like. Oh! No! It's short. Okay. But like. My therapist was like. We were making a friend circle and since I have internalized homophobia. He thought you were a friend. And so we're making circles. And on the outside it's people that you would talk to if you ran into them, then it's people that you just talk to occasionally, and then it's people that you want to talk to often and make time to talk to, or like hang out with. And then. And then it's you in the middle. And. I was trying to figure out where to place you and I. Literally like. You. Would be in the me circle. Like. I was like. You can't get much closer... So... Yeah. Okay. Let's move on the next question... Why were you with me? You say it so funny. I think whenever I describe you to someone. I always tell them I love the way I feel when I with you. And I think I'm a very serious person but with you I-- Yeah. You're doing you're serious voice right now. No. Yeah. I know. I know. But. I think when I'm with you I'm so carefree. And I don't really think about anything else that's going on. Like-- Yeah. When we're hanging out. We're hanging out and we're having fun. Yeah. We can also just hang out. We can do anything! Yeah. We're soo good at hanging. No. Yeah. We are good at hanging. Yeah. I think also. It's like I never feel the need to check my phone. You know. Yeah. I think with other people-- I be checking my phone. I be checking my phone. Cause like I have nowhere else to be. Yeah. Cause for awhile, the only person I'd be checking for was you. Oh. So. It was just like. If I'm with you... there's no need to check for anything... Okay. Yeah. Do you ever still think of me? I think I think about you a lot. Every now and then. In the little things. Too much? No. I don't think too much... Something that I'm vey proud about myself is that I don't think I obsess over people anymore. Yeah. Which. I think was something that I very much did. Especially with Fiona. And I think. No. I think. I think I did obsess over that relationship. And I did put that relationship on a pedastol. And I thought that's what love is. What... No. I know. That's why I'm rolling my eyes... cause you compared me to her all the fucking time. I know. and thankfully. I finally over that. I don't feel the need to like. Instagram stalking. Like I don't feel the need to instagram stalk you or Fiona. You're not pressed about her little boyfriend anymore. No. I'm not pressed about her boyfriend. That's good. I think I'm finally in a happy place. I think i'm finally in a palce where I'm not worried about others. And I don't feel the need to check your profile. But I check it everynow and then and -- And. There's nothing. Cause I haven't really talked to you. And then I do think. I wonder what she's doing. And you realize. Oh! But No. There's nothing there. I think also. I think before I would check someone's profile out of fear. Yeah. And I don't do it out of fear with you. Yeah. and you get nervous. And I'm not nervous. That's good. Which I think is something I've grown out of. That's good. Okay. Do you think this is right? I think this is the right decision. I don't think we're gonna. I think if anything. We're going to grow a lot from this for however long this is. Yeah. I don't think it would've been the right decision to keep seeing each other. And I think. In order for something to truly work and for us to respect each other and not treat each other like shit. I think we need to be friends first. Yeah. But. Cause I think I treat my friends differently- I also don't like saying the "Friends" thing. Why? Well. Because. Yeah. We can obviously be friends. But. I don't think that we can be friends. You don't think we can be friends? Well. Yeah. I don't think it's going to be easy to truyl just be friends. Because we've been trying to be just friends for like awhile. But like. But like. We didn't really put our whole pussys into it. You know. Yeah. I think this time we will. Yeah. But. Yeah. I think if you're friends with someone. At least for me. I treat my friendly very differently than the way I treat my significant others. And I think that would be really good for me. Yeah. No. Like I hated looking at pictures or anything... it was just awful. I wanted to seperate myself. But you can't really seperate yourself from who you were before. So therefore. I think we both changed but you can never sepeate yourself from who you were. But when I think of you then. It's a whole different person. I think I could say the same but I think fundamentally you're still the same person. Yeah. Yeah. Cause. With my friends. I don't think I hold them to the same standard or to the same expectations that I hold romantic partners. But. I think it's just too... Mmm. It's just like. It's just too. I've never been friends with an ex. So it's a lot harder for me to just be like. Oh! Because. When we talk it's not like a friend... And you know that. But. In my mind we're still friends. There's alawys just-- But. You're not. Always something more. It's just like you're not in the friend category. You're not. Yeah. Yeah. No. You're not in the friend category either. No I know! There's a special category for you! Yeah. I know. And it's just like. like. how. As much as I want t put you in that friend category. I don't think it's possible and that's why I think we just have to. Kind of... Give it time... But that's okay. Mmm. No. I'm not worried. I think something I used to feel whenever we had arguments was or whenever we weren't talking... But I didn't have any anxiety about it. Yeah. I didn't until you said Okay "Ay" Oh. Well. You we're being weird... Well you said Okay "Ay" I didn't mean to. Well. I didn't know if you we're going to want to start hanging out... Well. I don't want to hang hang hang out. But, I do want to see you every now and then and catch up. Yeah. But. Maybe at the end of the summer. If that's what you want yeah. Probably. I just don't think I can-- Yeah. I get it. I think it'll be to easy to fall back... to relapse... It's an addiction! No. Yeah. It kind of is! Like it is though. Yeah. Cause we'll hang out once every two weeks and then we hang out and then there's this concert and we both go and LOL. Yeah. But, I think in my mind. It would be. I think I could be friends and I think I could enjoy that time with you. Well. But. I get it. I think we might be in different places. No yeah. I get it. Also just. For the mental health. It just. No yeah. I know. It's just a little bit hard... Um. Are you happy? With this? Period. I think I'm happy. I think I'm happy that I've gotten to know you and that you're still in my life. And I'm happy that--- Why. Why am I still in our life? Cause we love each other? Yeah. But. Why. Cause. I don't think I've never met anyone like you Payton. And I don't want to lose someone like that.