oh!
It’s so versatile. Oh my god. Have you heard about the new Jeni’s Everything Bagel flavor? I don’t know if i’d like that. No, everyone’s talking about how ass it is. Because Jeni’s... There's no good ice cream place in Portland. You call this a good ice cream place? What? I'm Kidding. They only have one good flavor... Is it already recording? It's recording. Um. Let me get my phone. Gotta make my hair look good. Gotta look pretty. You already look pretty. ... shhh... Just a few things... The birds chirping is quite the nice effect. I just hope things aren't too loud. Too long? Too loud. Okay. There we go. That looks good. I like how it says smoking. No smoking! It says smoking ~no~ but it's like a picture. Okay Payton. Are you ready? Do you think Ready as i'll ever be. I'll pause if he keeps banging on things. Should I sit up straighter? Yeah. Straight. That'd be great. Okay. We're good I think. Okay. I don't know. I don't want it to be super interviewee... it's more of a conversation if anything... if thats okay. You want me to look at you? Yeah, you can look at me, or you can do whatever if i'm going to be honest. I think what... I... I envison this more of a process of you answering a few questions, and then I'll answer them on my own as well. But you can also record me. We can switch. Is it an answer and then a? It's a restate the question. Okay. So we're going to do all of the questions and then of them all again. Yeah, but you don't have to be here for when I do it, but you can if you want to. We'll see the time. Um. I think I kind of wanted to order it in a chronological way, but I don't know whatever. Whatever comes first or whatever happens, I think. Myeah. Um. How would you describe us? That’s a hard question... Period... Um... Intense. Um. Okay. Also would you mind would you mind if I also record you for audio wise-- From my phone? Yeah. From your phone. My phone is at 1% I can record um. Or you can... record from your laptop or I don't know if you have it-- The laptop. My laptop when I record things from it. it. sounds janky. Okay. Um. Hold on. Pause... Yas. It could definitely be a storage problem. I can just talk really loudly. You can but I know how the camera works and I know I won't want it like this. Hold on. Uhhhhh. I'm going to turn my phone on again off again, that always helps. Okay. You can just enjoy this clip of me biting my nails. Yay! Okay now I get to think. Let me think. Can you tell me the other ones too? Yeah Yeah Yeah. I can go ahead and show you them when it opens... I don't know. I was rereading um.. Just Kids yesterday, and I thought it would just be fun to make something like this. To have something. Yeah. From our early years. True. The early years. I was listening to that playlist that we made Vibe Chek. Summer 2020. I was looking at all the things that were on my room and all of them had Vibe Chek in them. Oh God. I dont know why we-- It's soooo cringe. so obsessed. It hurts. Yeah. But it has such a specific vibe to it. I don't know how to describe it. It has a vibe to it. No I know. and I don't know how to describe it. It's a very sunny vibe though. No it is. It is. Yeah. Maybe because I was so tan. Oh wait. it's working now. Okay. Here I'll let you read them. Or I'll stop them. No it's okay. im ready. Let's just get this on the spot. Well no. I want you to be able to okay. Sure. Oh you want me to read them? Nonononononnonoo no. Okay. Do you have them off the top of your head. Uh um. No. It's okay we can just switch off. Okay. Oh my god. It's long. It's not super long. Don't say that. Okay. Yeah. Short answers only. No you can do long answers. Okay. I'm reading them? ... No, you have to read them. It's your voice. Okay.... (how would you describe us) I know haha. Okay we'll give it a second. I think we're fine. How would you describe us Payton? Okay. Like I have already said. I would describe us as... #1 intense. in all... in all sorts of ways... but very intimate. raw. raw. raw. raw is the word I'm going to settle with. ...is that all...? Well, it's hard. It's hard to describe our relationship... it's like when you ask someone... what are three words to describe you. you know. I think I can come up with three words. How would-Me----Well, we've done this before. I mean it's been a rollercoaster... but like a good one... one that i've been happy to be on. Have you been happy the whole time? No. But I've never been... it's always been situational... the, the, the unhappiness. But, do you think everything is situational? No... But I think situations can overshadow the long term. That's true. But to say I've been happy the whole time would be a lie. yeah. You would agree I think. I would agree. I think it's just in short bursts that-- Yeah. But it's not bad. It's not bad to say that you were unhappy. It doesn't taint anything. Yeah. So you're not supposed to be happy the entire time. You can live a good life and be unhappy. You can have a good relationship--like unhappy at times. Yeah. And you can like have a good relationship and be unhappy at times. But. It makes me anxious. Probably the biggest negative emotion. Anxiety? Fear. Fear? Fear and anxiety. Yes. Yeah. Do you want to tell me the next question? I'm not asking this. Why were you with me? In what capacity... at what stage? In all of them. The first... The official. The offical. Well-- Do you think it-- It was-- No. You go and I'll ask a follow up question. I think we just kind of fell into it. Because it was like. We matched. It was both of our first dates back. And I think it felt like... I was actually thinking about this recently... It. It. It feels. It. Felt. Like. You know. I think for both of us, when you have like a bad break up, then you feel sometimes... like you can never feel that way... again... and so when you do... and when you realize that like you can be capabale of being loved and loving someone again... you just have to jump for it i think... and I think we did it. But it wasn't like a rebound. It was never a rebound. Do you think it was silly? To date? Yeah. Do you think it was silly to date? at the time... Do you think it was silly to try long distance at the time? Yes... I think somethings can end a happy way. Maybe it should've. But. At the same time, if we hadn't' done long distance, I don't know if we would have ever... gotten to where we are now. and if it would've just ended and we would've just been like okay bye! Yeah. Because I never would have gotten so close with your friends and... so... never visited Reed... We never would've become so imbedded in each other's lives. It would've been | but I think we would've been friends. But. Like the type of friend you occasionally see. Yeah. I think it's silly how embedded you are in my life. You think it's silly? I think it's silly in a good way It's goofy. But also just silly in general. It is silly. Cause I feel like at Reed... Oftentimes I catch myself saying oh my god Payton would love this. And Jen's like Emily what? Yeah. But. I dont know. I think -- You're just scared because I know everything about you. You do know everything about me and no one knows me like that Payton. Yeah. I feel the same way... It's scary. It's a scary feeling. That's why I said raw. Yeah. I can't really hide anything... okay. There was a certain page of Just Kids that reminded me of that... It was... Did you bookmark it? No. It was bookmarked on your end. But... it just went away. Well you can go find it. And you have to give me back that book anyways. Yeah. What did you say again? Maybe it'll come back. What. Oh. The thought? That we're embedded... it's like cutting off an arm... no... it's like cutting off a finger off each foot or a toe or a finger from each hand and then like half a chunk of your head and then like taking one eye out and half of your teeth. Yeah. I think it reminded me.. you doggyeard a section of Just Kids where Patty was explaining how she know whenever was Robert was upset. And you always know when I'm upset. Well yeah. I'm an empath. I know. But like. With you I... I think it's a bit easier. I think I don't play into it but... ... Um. What was I saying? I don't know. Next? Sure. I don't know if I really fufilled that question but... Why was I with you? Yeah. Because it was fun. It was silly. And happy. And we said we loved each other after like a week and a half. Haha no. That's not true. We said we were dating after like two weeks. Thats's true. It was two weeks. God. That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. No. It was very. And then I love you was like a week later. I was thinking about the other day when we-- I feel like this one... memory can encapsulate it. When you would sneak into my house or I would sneak you in at 1 in the morning and then you would leave at like 5. But that one time we decided to go to Stone Mountain. And I went upstairs and I tapped my parents and I woke them up said I was going to Stone Mountain bye! and then we left. We were definitely still feeling... the edibles... and we drove... and I don't really remember the drive and then... we fell asleep... on the side of the mountain. That was so random. I feel like that encapsulated our summer. But it was fun. Yeah it does. Yeah. It was good. It was needed. I think it was needed. I don't think. I mean we still have fun now but I think we were really carefree then. We were carefree... but it was just kind of like... it wasn't a fling... but it wasn't intense yet. Yeah. We were just having fun. I think with a fling you can have fun though. Yeah. No. But I wouldn't say it's a fling though because I think fling has this connotation of-- Ending. Yeah. And it didn't end. No. It didn't. I. I was telling. I've gotten a lot closer to Mia this semester and when I was staying at her house right before I left to come here, she was like Emily you talk about Payton so much... how long did you guys date? Well. We did make it over your longest. Which was 4 months. Yeah. But that was my goal. Yeah. From June to November. June. July. August. No I know. I know. But for her. She thought it was silly that-- It was short? It well. No. That it. Because. It was alawys never-ending and that it was short in a manner of-- actually dating. to go to school. Uh. Yeah. Ohhh She thought that was. She thought that we'd known each other for two years while we were in high school. Everyone thinks that. Everyone thinks that. Oh so how long have you know this bitch... two months ago. Yeah. I mean. It was very naive. Yeah. That's another word-- I think that's another word as well. of describing us. Then. Naive. But like. Naivety? and it's not a bad thing. No. I don't think it's a bad thing. I enjoy it. Yeah. How would-- It's like being stupid while you can. Yeah. Being oblivious while you can. Yeah. Not stupid. We don't use that word. Mkay. Bad word. How would you describe us now? Well like how I described us earlier. About us now. Would you say that we're the same people? No... Well, yes... Well. I think this semester being back here has kind of... I think I tried to. Personally. I can't speak for you. Cause I think we're both different but like also you're always kind of the same. But I do think people can change. But. I erased. Becase I was so embaressed of who I was like before I guess. But being back here... I was just kind of like okay. There's no need to be embarassed. I can progress and that's fine. What do you mean embarassed of? Just like.. I didn't hate myself but like I hated who I was... Cause it was gross. I just thought it was gross. Do you want to say-- But now I appreciate it more. Well just like the way I dress, the things I did, the photos, the videos, wasting... I feel like I wasted so many years on running. But it's not. I don't think it was a waste. No. I learned a lot... health too. Yeah. You did. Also it's a mental game and I think you learned a lot by that. Yea. Patience. But. I don't know. Just like the things I did... like the whole Virgina relationship. And I think with that since like she came from my charachter so much that like it felt like I had to change. And then when you try and change suddenly... It... Isn't like a oh im growing. It's a oh I'm competiting with who I was. But, now I'm like Yas. Like I went to the river the other day. And I was running and I used to always be here around high school. Like oh that was so cute. Like I remember that. I miss it. You Know. Yeah. Like I don't resent anything. Which feels good. That's good. I didn't know you resented it. No. Like I hated looking at pictures or anything... it was just awful. I wanted to seperate myself. But you can't really seperate yourself from who you were before. So therefore. I think we both changed but you can never sepeate yourself from who you were. But when I think of you then. It's a whole different person. I think I could say the same but I think fundamentally you're still the same person. Yeah. Yeah... There aren't that many questions... No there's not. I just thought. They just. They. Went past the list and I didn't know if I was gonna be like... Do you think during our time away from each other did you still think of me? Of course. Like I said. It's embedded. It's like you know... Jeni's. My roomates were like oh we went to Jeni's! and in my head I'm like Emily loves Jeni's. And they're like oh we got brambleberry crisp! and I was like that's emily's-- Emily loves brambleber-- That's Emily's favorite flavor. You know. Yeah. And. And. I got arepas from Trader Joes and I was like Emily would like these and I was like she would probably say they're not as good as they should be but. I still like them. They were yummy... It's the little things. It's the little things. And there's a lot of little things. We did everything. We've done a lot. Especially both here in Atlanta and Portland too. I've gone to soo many new places and thought Payton would love this. Mmm. Yeah it's like also weird being here and that's kind of why I don't want to stay here. But I'm finally kind of hitting my stride. But. It's kind of like. It's like working from home. You know. Like there's everything to look at. Like I'm driving down the street and I'm like mmm that's the street. Yeah. Like I was doing a yard card the other day in Dupont Circle. No. I know. I got the notification. You did? Yeah. God. You were probably like why is she at my house. No. I figured it was probably a yard card... I know. You know... But it's not like a thing that's like I think of Emily all the time. It's more like a part of my brain's thought process at this point that it doesn't seem as noticeable anymore. Yeah. It's just there. Yeah. You're right... Do you think this is the right decision? Oh, you already knew what the decision was before? I mean it was my decision too. Yeah. I think we were both very much on the same page. Yeah. And. I'm happy that we were for the first. Not for the first time. But for the first time in a minuete. Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt I do. Because we tried the other way... multiple times... and it didn't work. But it's like. I don't think it's. Like I don't think. Well. I don't resent you. I used to resent you. That's because you broke up with me... but like... I've never resented you. But like I never. It was just a little rrrrrrrr. It was like I was being competitive like you don't get to do that. But I was also just recently broken up with. So, you know who was a fragile little girl. What? What do you mean? What. Huh. What? When Virginia broke up with me. And then you broke up with me. Both after a break. And I was like... girl don't mess with my head. But. I think this is right. Regardless, because I don't want to have this huge fight and it all end in shit. Like I would rather have a conversation and put it to rest... Not forever. Yeah. And if it was forever, then I would be okay. You know. Yeah. Like it would be like good memories. And that's why I was saying I think if we hadn't dated long distance, like, sometimes you gotta know when to put a stop to it and kill it, and say yeah this could end badly, but then it's also you never know how it's going to go. Multiverse. Did you see that movie? Yeah. I did. Everywhere and. I did. I did. What did you think? I thought it was very predictable at times but um. It was so chaotic. It was chaotic yeah. I saw it twice. Not because I wanted to see it twice but-- It just happened. Yeah. I think. I normally don't cry during movies-- Did you cry. When she was talking to her mom and she said things. That our relationship would never work. That's where it hit me. Yeah. Well. I think that's where it defineitly hit more. Do you remember Kiyono. Like her mom is Japenese and like. You know. Kind of like. She has a really bad relationship with her mom. So she was like cyring and yeah. Yeah. I think it hits more for people that are first generation... than like people like me... er... my relationship with my mom is complicated but not in that way at all. No yeah. My relationship with my mom is in that way. It's like. I like I wanted to relate to it. Because relating to things always feels nice but I couldn't. You can still appreciate it. Yeah. So I appreciated it but it wasn't like I was crying. And it wasn't like something that I think about everyday. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that type of movie is-- But Mona. Mona. Watched it and she started hooking up with a 33 year old cause said nothing matters... so... anyways. I should probably not air that out. Shout out Mona. Shout out Mona. I texted Mona the other day... About? Just to say hi and catch up. What'd she say? That she's in Palestine. Yeah. She is. Felicia's dating a zionist... anyways... Okay... back to the... And a Republican. Jesus Christ. Back to the... Um... I already asked if you are happy. You asked if I was happy. Are you happy now? I think I'm happy--ish. I'm always unsatisfied just a little bit. I'm always unsatisfied a lot of the time. It's just such a bad feeling. It's all the time but just a little bit. Like. I end my day and I didn't do enough. And then I'm like I should tansfer. But i already transferred once. Like girl sit. Sit tight. I don't know. You can always do a masters program afterwards. Yeah. It's always like I could be doing something else. And there's so many things to do. It's just overwhelming. I know what you mean. So... I'm happy enough. I'm not going to kill myself. That's good. Whoo! Ummmm. What was the next question? I have become a better person now that we're not together? I lie less. A lot less. I feel like I lie a little bit more now. Yas. Just a trade off. But not for the big things. Well that's where it starts. At the little things. It hasn't been a lot if I'm going to be honest. But I think everynow and then I catch myself and i'm like wow! why'd I do that. No exactly. That's what I always said. It's like why did I just do that. I. I. I. think right before I left Portland I would've lied normally. But I didn't about something. Something? About. Just about what my mom does...like.. Oh. Like my mom's a housekeeper and like I don't know. I normally lie about that just cause. I.Don't. Like. To. Say. That. But there's nothing wrong about saying it. Like what she does. Like she works hard to make money and it's a real job. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Normally I. I. I do and did lie about it. And when I was meeting Mia's parents for the first time I was honest. Which was good. It feels good. It feels relieving. It was good to not lie in that moment. But I think that is something that I've always lied about... but I think... doing that for the first time. That felt really good. Yeah. No. You realize that-- Yeah. I'm saying I don't lie the way you lie. Is what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But. It's like yeah. I feel less anxious. But it's not your fault... It's just the truth.